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2017 in Review: The President Doesn’t Live Here Any More!

December 19th, 2017 · No Comments · General

By
Joseph D. O’Shaughnessy

The calendar reads January 2017. I try to burn the calendar but it will not burn. With great apprehension, I attempt to remove the pages, to hold back time. But the pages keep coming, like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, day after day, month after month. Each new day brings new terrors, new…tweets.

It is the Chinese year of the Pig. No, it isn’t. Still, I feel like it is the year of the pig and I am the pig and about to be slaughtered. I squeal like a pig. But no one comes.

The Beginnings

The Inauguration itself is not mega, it is yotta. That is, septillions and septillions of people crowd onto the Washington Mall, down the avenues, flow out onto the expressways, flood the interstate as far down as West Virginia and as far north as Camden, New Jersey. People are rubbing up against each other as far south as Birmingham, Alabama, including Republican Senatorial Candidates with teenage girls.

From the Washington Mall, it is not easy to see the President. The crowds are more massive than they have been since Harry Truman left the podium and tried to swim the Potomac at 14th Street. The entire Alt-Right, supremacist population of Idaho is in attendance. The non-establishment rich are there, those worth over one billion dollars who can prove their ancestry in the U.S. is no earlier than 1912. Over a thousand active and former NFL players are there, largely unseen, as they are kneeling.

So it is difficult to actually see the new President. One catches occasional sounds. Now and then one can dimly see that wisp of light-orange candy-cane hair flying in the icy breeze, and occasionally hear an inaugural phrase or two: “Get them out…out…out! Get them out!” Then a return to the dramatic points of his speech, “…and, after she is jailed, those freeloaders and rapists…” and then his words lost again across the megalopolis that Washington has become as a result of the massive crowds drawn by this epic charismatic leader. Then more words in the air…“the rocket man and those rag heads had better….” and “…this rotten, broken down country…” and then the words lost again in the wind.

Next to him, in the glow of his radiant citrus hair, which lights the first several rows of stunned onlookers like a campfire, the beautiful reptilian First Lady stands respectfully like a bulimic Brunhilde ready to fall on her shield for her lord and master. She does not fall, or move or smile or blink or, some say, exhale, which seemed odd and draws stares and some pointing, which distracts from the speech.

Some perceive the massive crowds to be a delusion or perhaps inflated by the several million women marching in the Capitol, many with large signs on which are merely written the initials, “WTF?”

After the bands and the parades and the speeches and after the massive crowds have dispersed to states and foreign lands and other planets, the business of the new government begins. The President reviews nominees for his cabinet, or “Billionaires’ Row” as it becomes known. The names are assembled by a crack team of Trump management experts, headed by the Chef at the Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C., the concierge at the Trump Hotel and Tower in Bali, and the head housekeeper at the Trump Hotel in Borneo.

January

Trump names as Secretary of State, multi-millionaire Rex Tillerson, fresh from the oilfields, and the only Secretary of State to take the oath while wearing cowboy boots and sitting on a horse.

Next, Trump chooses as Secretary of Defense, retired four-star general James “Mad Dog” Mattis (listed by the White House as merely “impoverished”) known for issuing field commands so loudly that the enemy, hearing the sound across the battlefield, simply stopped, dropped their weapons and ran…hence his other nickname “Loudmouth” Mattis.

Trump picks multi-millionairess Elaine Chao (bio says “comes standard with interpreter”) as Secretary of Transportation. Best known as the former Secretary of Labor in the Bush Administration, which she shuts down for renovation…for 8 years.

Chao is the daughter of an as-yet-to-be-indicted billionaire ship owner, who operates under the alias, Whang Dang Chang Chao and made his fortune playing Chinese poker, the rules of which are only known to priests of the royal chamber of the Ming dynasty.

Trump invites James Comey, the head of the FBI, to dinner at the White House but feels “dissed” when Comey leaves without eating dessert. Comey maintains the meringue was not cooked properly. Trump says it was soufflé. This will escalate into further conflicts.

Nominations for the 89th Academy Awards are announced. “La-La Land” is nominated in numerous categories, including Best Picture. Democrats spread the rumor that it is a musical version of “The Art of the Deal.”

Nevada legalizes recreational marijuana. Immigration jumps 48%.

Technology begins to take over new product introductions. Testing the new virtual assistant, Alexa, Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey says into the device: “Alexa, get me a pony.” Alexa does not respond. Christie insists: “Alexa, get me a horse.” Alexa replies: “Horses don’t come that big,”

The United States Intelligence Agencies jointly issue a report stating that the Russians, under orders from President Putin, have launched cyber attacks against the United States political system. President Trump denies any collusion with Russians and says he will only believe it if Sean Hannity reports it on Fox News.

At the end of the month, Trump nominates Neil Gorsuch as a candidate to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court that had been held open for an entire year by the Republican Senate, waiting for a Republican President. On signing the nomination, Trump asked, “Whatever happened to Scalia?”

February

Trump appoints as Secretary of Treasury, multimillionaire Steve Mnuchin (pronounced: “munchkin”) and self-taught home foreclosure expert, fresh from his second career in Hollywood, where he produced the hilarious Christmas comedy, “You Can’t Go Home Again. We Own It Now.”

Following the munchkin comes billionaire Secretary of Education Betsey DeVos, co-owner of Amway and inventor of peanut butter face cream, (corporate motto: “Jesus Will Provide—but no refunds.”)

Trump appoints multi-multi millionaire Wilbur Ross as Secretary of Commerce. Ross mistakenly thinks he has been brought in to buy up the department, sell off its assets, lay off all the employees without severance and move operations to Viet Nam.

Trump appoints his former political rival for the GOP Presidential nomination, Dr. Ben Carson as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Carson, a surgeon, speaks in such a low voice that, when a medical student, his mother has to accompany him on oral exams. At an interview, he apologizes for having once cut a White man with a knife until a fellow surgeon points out: “Ben, it’s ok. It was an operating room.”

Multi-Millionaire Linda McMahon is chosen to head the Small Business Administration. Her stated goal, in addition to “kicking ass and taking numbers,” is to arm-wrestle any legislator who does not agree with her proposals.

“Moonlight” wins best picture at the Academy Awards. Trump, by now persuaded by “fake news” that “La La Land” was about him, sends Faye Dunaway to confuse the outcome. She hands an envelope to Warren Beatty that reads, “Say Trump won!” Confused, Beatty accidentally hands the Oscar to Oprah Winfrey who runs off and has not been seen since.

National Guard members and local police clear Native American protesters from the Dakota Pipeline construction site running across the Standing Rock Indian Reservation in North Dakota. Counter protesters urge Tribal representatives to “go back to where you came from.”

Trump appoints former Senator from Alabama, Jeff Sessions, as Attorney General. Sessions immediately recuses himself from any involvement in possibly indicting Trump. Turning his attention to the American People, the former prosecutor says: “I’ll get them,” he said. “I’ll get them if it takes my whole time as Attorney General.”

Pharmaceutical firm, AstraZeneca introduces new diabetes drug. Works wonderfully for diabetes but side effects include hiccups, migraines, paralysis of the throat and tongue, irritability, tuberculosis, panting, hair loss, nicotine addiction and sarcasm.

March

The UN warns the world is in the greatest humanitarian crisis since WWII, with 20 million people facing possible starvation in Yemen, Somalia, South Sudan and Nigeria. Trump speaks at the UN on his greatness and says he will do everything in his power “to help these countries cut their taxes”

Chuck Berry dies at the age of 90. His guitar is buried with him. One week later it is still heard playing “Rock Around the Clock.”

North Korea earns world condemnation for firing a ballistic missile across the Sea of Japan. On hearing this, Elon Musk immediately responds by firing a SpaceX missile clear across Chris Christie.

Former governor of Texas Rick Berry takes office as Secretary of Energy. Listed on the White House bio as “income, assets, IQ and whereabouts unknown,” his stated his goals as: “One, to destroy the department of Energy completely; two, to find the best damned steak restaurant in Georgetown, and three…um…gosh, I forget.” Perry was last seen wandering along Rock Creek Drive, wearing a sign that said, “If you can read this, call my mother.”

Ryan Zinke assumes control of the Interior Department and immediately puts Utah and Nevada up for sale. When advised he does not have the authority to do so, he asks, “What about the Grand Canyon? Can I sell that?” Interior Department employees quietly send out proposals to have all door locks changed.

April

Millionaire Sonny Perdue takes office as Secretary of Agriculture. Trump comments: “He’s the chicken guy…right…Perdue?” He’s not. It turns out he is the governor of Alabama. Previously, as governor, Perdue raises Alabama SAT scores from last in the country to 49th (and then back to last.) On being nominated, Perdue releases a statement which reads in part: “I is so happy. I has always wanted to be Secatary to Aggiculture.”

Steve Bannon is fired at the White House. He moves to the South “to join the Confederacy.” Soon he is embroiled in controversy over legislation that would offer to trade Black voters free NFL and NBA tickets for their votes.

President Trump orders Syrian airbase attacked with Tomahawk missiles. Apologizes. Advisers say he did not understand they were not real tomahawks.

Bill O’Reilly is fired from Fox News for doing what he had been doing since he started. Unfortunately for O’Reilly, the amount of sexual perversion court settlements apparently exceeds total advertising income of the entire Murdoch News organization.

David Dao, a physician, is forcibly removed from a United Airlines flight, dragged, beaten and abused. Passengers say they merely assumed he had asked for more peanuts.

May

Bush fires James Comey. Comey says it was not over dessert incident, but cannot discuss it. Comey claims that it is FBI policy never to discuss dessert until an investigation is complete. Technically, he says, he still has not completed his meal.

A group of Turkish police, guarding the Turkish Prime Minister attack a group of protesters, mistakenly thinking that they are still in Istanbul.

A car plows into a crowd in Times Square, killing one woman and injuring 22 others. Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association calls for arming all pedestrians with automatic weapons and armor-plating all New York City taxis.

Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus closes. “Trump has made us superfluous,” say the owners.

Takumo Sato wins the Indianapolis 500. He is the first Japanese driver to win and the first driver to win going the wrong way.

June

Trump withdraws from Paris Summit on Climate Change, claiming that they refused to remove escargot from the menu.

James Comey testifies before Congress on meetings with Trump. Maintains that meringue was under cooked and that Russians stole the election. Republicans and Democrats get into prolonged argument on virtues of meringue vs souffle’. Comey orders in a pizza.

Trump holds first full meeting of his Billionaire Cabinet in the White House. They agree to meet again “when we’re all in town.”

Ninth U.S. Court of Appeals blocks Trump travel ban on Muslims coming to the U.S. “until he can pass a basic geography test on Middle Eastern countries.”

Steve Scalise, House of Representatives member from Louisiana is hit by gunfire and hospitalized while practicing for the annual House Softball game. The shooter is killed by local police but Wayne LaPierre calls for arming all softball players with automatic weapons.

News breaks that the investigation headed by former FBI Chief Robert Mueller is considering evidence of Russian involvement with Trump campaign and connection to firing of James Comey. Trump claims he has never met James Comey and the Mueller article is “fake news.” Later, he maintains there is no such person as Mueller, which, Trump claims, is a “made up name.”

July

Donald Trump Jr. confirms that he sought dirt on Hillary Clinton from Russian sources. Democrats say “What’s new?” Trump, Sr. says: “That’s my boy!”

Republicans try for the 987th time to repeal Obamacare, but fail as not one Republican can be found who has actually read the bill.

Sean Spicer is fired as White House Communications Director, and Anthony Scaramucci, who happens to be passing by on Pennsylvania Avenue, delivering Sopressata to a local restaurant, is named the new director. He is in the position only until after lunch.

The FBI raids the home of Paul Manafort, Washington lobbyist and one of Trump’s 39 different Presidential campaign directors. Manafort is involved in numerous activities with foreign governments. He is also accused of having had hair transplants without informing the person from whom they were taken.

Jeff Bezos becomes briefly the richest man in the world, surpassing the income of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Ireland and Australia.

The Republicans pass a spending bill, a segment of which is funding for “Trump’s Wall” between the U.S. and Mexico. The amount allotted in the legislation provides sufficient funds to build the wall from South Tuscon to North Tuscon.

Trump fires Reince Prebus from position as White House Chief of Staff. “I could never pronounce his name,” Trump says.

August

Elizabeth Southerland, a top EPA official, resigns, stating that new Director Rick Berry has hampered efforts to conduct the agency’s activities. Asked for evidence, she says, “Well, they removed all the desks, chairs, turned out the lights, and locked the doors to the restrooms.”

In Charlottesville, VA, KKK members march with clubs, guns and torches to restore Confederate statues and “rebuild the slave market.” One woman is run down by a car driven by a KKK member. Preparing to speak on the historical conflict, Trump asks Steve Bannon, “Tell me again. Which side was America on?”

Hurricane Harvey, named for Trump’s barber, makes landfall in Texas, doing $198 billion damage and several deaths. Rick Berry claims that Harvey is “mostly imagined.”

On August 21, when the sun returns after a solar eclipse EPA head, Rick Berry says, “See? This stuff is all made up.”

A woman in Chicopee, Massachusetts wins $758 million in the Powerball lottery and buys Rhode Island.

Trump pardons Sheriff Joe Arpaio. To celebrate, Arpaio arrests two Mexicans.

September

Hurricane Irma, the next major storm to hit the United States, after demolishing several Caribbean islands, heads for landfall in Florida at Naples. Governor Rick Scott immediately gathers a crack team to investigate “how we can make money on this.”

Sloan Stephens defeats Madison Keyes for the U.S. Women’s Open Tennis title, but most people at the tournament are seen simply wandering around looking for the Williams sisters.

Toys R Us says “Us R Broke” and files for Chapter 11.

President Trump makes an appearance at the United Nations to rail again at “Rocket Man” the North Korean Dictator, Kim Jong Un but is largely incoherent. Many members assume the speech is merely a promo for an upcoming “Star Wars” sequel.

Another hurricane, this time, Hurricane Maria, hits the United States in Puerto Rico with winds of over 150 miles an hour. Trump initially asks if he can “drive down there” from Mare Lago. Told that Puerto Rico is in the Caribbean, he asks “who owns it?” Told that the U.S.owns it and that it is where Puerto Ricans come from, Trump says: “I thought they were from New York.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price resigns because Trump will not allow him to fly on Air Trump, his personal plane. He resigns rather than fly coach and because Congress decides not to repeal Obamacare for the 2,596th time.

October

A man named Stephen Paddock fires on a crowd at a music festival in Las Vegas, killing 59 and wounding an astounding 546, making it the worst day involving gun violence in the country since Wayne LaPierre was born.

Harvey Weinstein, movie producer, is accused of sexual predation by half the women in Los Angeles and one-quarter of all women in Califormia, plus Meryl Streep, playing the part of 13 other accusers.

Wild fires break out in California in unprecedented numbers damaging large parts of the states destroying homes and entire communities. Trump blames Obama. Says he “should never have removed the hydrants from forests.”

Actor Kevin Spacey is a accused of sexual misbehavior and loses his job as political figure on a television series. Spacey says he will stop acting and considers running for office in Alabama.

November

Jerome Powell is selected by Trump to be the next head of the Federal Reserve, as Trump puts it, “whatever that is.”

Thirteen federal agencies release a combined report which states that, with 98% certainty, global warming is the result of human causes. The White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders advises the press that this is clearly fake news and that the President feels it is largely the result of “bovine flatulation.”

Devin Patrick Kelley shoots 26 churchgoers in a Baptist Church in Texas. Wayne LaPierre urges the arming of all Baptists.

In further developments on the sexual perversity front, Dustin Hoffman, Sylvester Stallone, George H.W. Bush, Matt Lauer, the Dalai Lama, Pope Francis, and the Energizer Bunny are all accused of inappropriate sexual behavior. Wayne LaPierre suggests that all women be armed.

Abbvie introduces effective new medicine for treatment of hepatitis. Side effects are blindness, halitosis, locusts, narcolepsy, worms, incontinence, hearing loss, poor spelling, inability to breathe or swallow, Parkinson’s, crossed eyes and cynicism.

December

Trump’s former National Security Advisor, General Michael Flynn is charged with making false statements to the FBI. It seems he lied about the true color of Trump’s hair.

The U.S. Senate passes the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, which, based on the way the Senate names things, means higher taxes and fewer jobs for the Middle Class.

Senator Al Franken resigns from the Senate after accusations of inappropriate sexual behavior. In his resignation speech, Franken says: “I know I could have continued to do an outstanding job in the Senate because I’m good enough; I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me….except for that miserable Right Wing Radio bitch!”

On December 24th shocking news: Santa Claus is accused of sexual misconduct by several of his elves, plus Dancer, Prancer and Blitzen.

Happy New Year, Folks!

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